My Commentary on Commentary

With 24-hour news, 24-hour sports news, 24-hour entertainment news (is there such a thing?), the publish-your-own landscape of the internet, and the legitimization of social media and instant messaging as business tools let alone our own "personal" social networking, we all have become commentators. The commentary starts before the actual event, carries on alongside the event and lives a life of its own long after the event. The commentary can be interesting and thought-provoking. The commentary can be refreshing, funny, entertaining. But sometimes the commentary is really more than just commentary.

Commentary or Complaining?

Sometimes our comments alongside the event or afterward fact are not commentary. Instead, we are complaining. Let's be clear about what complaining is. Complaining is focused on the circumstances. Complaining takes the form of "This is hard" or "This stinks." And while those might be accurate assessments of the situation, repeated over time, they quickly become unhealthy.

Unchecked complaining goes from occasional comments to the soundtrack of that part of your life -- and a negative soundtrack at that -- to emboldening yourself in this "life is hard, this isn't fair" thinking by enlisting others in that complaining. Instead of this running commentary -- er, complaining, we need to make a choice:

• Accept the circumstance (because the good, the pay, the benefit outweighs the bad) and cut off the complaining
• Change the circumstance (the old "you are either part of the problem or part of the solution")
• Leave the circumstance (e.g., changing jobs, employers, organizations because the ups no longer outweigh the downs for you).

Commentary or Criticism?

Sometimes our comments alongside or afterward are not commentary and are not complaining. What is really going on is criticism focused on a person or a group of people.

Criticism can quickly ramp up from one-time or occasional comments (e.g., the "Can you believe this? Why don't they get it?" conversation alongside the conference call) to a low buzz (e.g., the "here we go again" IM or email conversation alongside or after the conference call or meeting) to an all-out attack (e.g., the flat-out argue like you would never argue if you were face-to-face with these people Facebook or blog post which is the modern version of talking behind someone's back at the water cooler).  

Again, instead of ongoing, escalating criticism, we need to take action in one of two directions:

• Accept the person or people and their behaviors as is ... and stop talking about it.
• Go to the person 1:1 to give him the feedback (e.g., opportunities to improve), to confront her (i.e., if the behavior is actually harmful and needs to stop) and/or to better understand where the person is coming from and what is driving the behavior.

I have been focusing on less running commentary -- whether just in my head or with others -- and an accompanying growing gentleness and commitment to invest in people by providing feedback and confronting them when necessary. I encourage you to do the same.

As you prepare for another week, step back and think through where you are carrying on a running "commentary." Ask yourself whether it is really just commentary. Is it complaining? Is it criticism? If so, stop talking about it. Do something about it or be quiet.